So, recently I had a guy tell me that because I’m divorced I’m fussy, he also made the assumption that because I was divorced it was due to my ex-husband deciding to leave me. Let me just point out how judgemental and wrong this fella was!!
This was a guy who knew nothing about me, the reasons I was married (see my arranged marriage blog) and the circumstances of my life, making assumptions because well…he has a dick and all men are superior…oh wait ALL Asian men are superior….how stupid of me not to realise!
Part of me after that comment, one in which I repeatedly told him I didn’t want to discuss, thought hell yeah I’m fussy, I have every right to be after what I went through. As do so many divorcees, men and women alike. Maybe, ‘fussy’ isn’t the right word but if you’ve been hurt you are likely to have your guard up and know what you want in your next potential partner for life. Nobody goes into a marriage wanting to divorce!
I still believe in the concept of marriage and what it means, not because I’m religious but because I believe humans are not designed to be alone and they are meant to find ‘the one’ to live forever with.
Being part of the Asian community can often feel worse, it’s like the minute an aunty finds our your divorced your suddenly contagious, or that there is something wrong with you, because believe me nobody tries to set up you after you’ve been divorced, it’s like your ‘status’ no longer appears on their matchmaking radar.
I know this because my sister who is a few years younger than me was getting proposals through and it was like I didn’t exist!
It’s not that I give a flying fuck really; it’s more the judging attitude…especially towards women who are divorced and are brown.
Single guys, who are in their 30s and have never been married on dating sites, are sometimes the worst for being so judgemental to a woman who has been divorced. Assuming that she’s hard work or high maintenance, like aforementioned guy…a guy who also stated he was 34 and had never had a serious girlfriend! Sorry love who has the bigger issues me or you!??
Divorced Asian men are also more likely to re-marry quicker than an Asian women, from what I’ve experienced, because again, it would have been the woman’s fault that the marriage broke down….of course it was! Asian ‘boys’ can do no wrong in the eyes of some. Both my ex-husband and my ex-boyfriend, both divorcees are now re-married, I bet my ex-husband tells his ‘version’ in a different way to how I do as for my other ex, of course his wife was the psycho.
I’m not saying women aren’t totally blameless, I’m talking more about the generalisation that women are likely to be seen as the evil woman who did something wrong for the marriage to fall apart. When couples get married it was my understanding that TWO people were involved in the ceremony, just as I’m sure that BOTH parties had fault in the fallout.
Having considering some dating events, I’ve actually had feedback from some of them saying that other members were asking if the ‘divorcees’ can have their own event, so they don’t mingle with the not so contagious ‘single never been married’ folk. Really?? If you’re that judgemental, believe me nobody will want to be with you.
I think my frustrations have just about boiled over, I don’t hold grudges, what astounds me most is the negativity thrown towards women because of the ‘d’ tag they have on the neck.
NB…make get to know someone and understand their journey and story before being making up your mind before you know what that person has been through, this should apply to everyone you interact with in life. You don’t know what makes them tick, just because they have to officially state that they are divorced does not mean that this is what defines them.
Have a good day xo