Being a Minority

This may come as a surprise given the title of this blog but the ‘minority’ part doesn’t relate whatsoever to my race, colour or gender.

Let’s start at the beginning, I recently binged watched Jane the Virgin, I’d seen it advertised on the telly and I wasn’t sure it was my kind of thing. I gave it a shot when it was on Netflix and it was amazing, gutted I’d missed out this entire time.

The premise was different, a young girl in today’s age waiting to have sex until after she was married (of course she becomes a pregnant virgin but watch the show for yourself to figure that one out). It was also really funny and a little ridiculous!

But it occurred to me in the 21st century this is a new concept. Keeping hold of your virginity.

Now you’ve all read my ‘Arranged Marriage’ blog (if not you should) and know that my experience wasn’t exactly how I had expected it to go and even though I suppose I’m not technically not a ‘virgin’ as it was taken from me and with that the trust I had in being intimate with anyone else.

I was having a conversation a while ago about online dating and some of my experiences I’d had with guys (read my blog on that too) it dawned on me that I’m becoming a minority among British Asian women as well. In that I WANT to wait until I’m married to have sex again. I know this might not be the case if I met the ‘right’ person but when I’m dating someone this is my view from the outset that I’m not willing to sleep with them on the first few dates as it should mean something.

I was also informed that men probably view me differently as my online profile has historically said ‘divorcee’ because that’s what I technically am and they will assume that because I’m divorced I’m ‘gagging’ for it and will be up for doing the nasty in the bedroom quite early on. Jog on pal, I’m really not that fussed!

In all the years I’ve been online this had never occurred to me but makes so much sense in relation to some of the conversations that have been had (conversation is a strong term for one sided not-so-subtle lets book a hotel room this weekend for a shag texts).

I’ve also found that because I want to wait I’M being judged for it, like there’s something wrong with me. I don’t know what the opposite of slut-shaming is but that’s how it’s felt on occasion – ‘prude-shaming’ maybe? I’m not a prude, I’m just living to the morals in which I believe in and what my gut tells me is right to do.

But being judged for it and telling me I’m missing out is just a matter of opinion. It’s your opinion not mine.

Too often are we told that we’re missing out, that we should try doing something different or living a certain way. Last time I checked I was living a certain way, my way. The way I wanted to and felt right for me. Honestly wanting to wait isn’t a contagious disease it’s a conscious choice I’m making. Not for any family approval or cultural reason but because I decided that’s what I wanted.

NB…Does this resonate with anyone else, doesn’t even have to be sex, could be anything, where your personal and ethical choices on how you live your life are judged by strangers?!

Have a good day xo


  1. Jeevan
    October 14, 2017 / 1:20 pm

    intimacy, passion, trust with someone can mean ‘sex’.
    But, confirm, boys are dogs and mounting is a animal instinct we have and considerable amount of self constraint involved for it to remain in the ‘intimacy, passion, trust’ version

    • manihayre
      October 15, 2017 / 10:04 pm

      ‘considerable amount of self-constraint’ hmmmm, I assumed as humans ‘boys’ had moved on beyond their animal instincts, it’s why we’re humans and not animals? Or is that just me

      • Jeevan
        October 17, 2017 / 8:48 pm

        Yep, your right, few of us boys certainly have moved on, since those fight-or-flight days

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