I wish I could name and shame everyone who has upset and used me this year, but social media polls say that I should allow Karma to take care of it.
So, no I won’t be naming you and if they ever (which I doubt) read my blogs they may know it’s them. But do I care…no. Because 2018 has taught me that in 2019 I’m going to be resilient.
The thing is that when you take advantage of someone who is kind and wants to genuinely help you and then they stop, don’t question what the matter with them is, question what pushed them to the point they stopped caring.
My 2017/2018 ended and started with me in love and in a relationship, happy and thinking about our future together. My birthday is in January, I was settling into my new job, I was making friends at work and slowly starting to feel at home in Birmingham. My birthday was such a great one, I felt complete.
Then it kind of went downhill from there. I’m not going into details but me and the fella broke it off in February. That’s a complete whole blog of its own if I ever do write about it.
I was constantly upset and lonely. Especially being away from home and my family. But I persevered, I used my job as an outlet to get over him and it worked, it was a big distraction that I needed.
I also realise in hindsight I opened myself up to other people taking advantage of my vulnerability and my sense of wanting to please people at the expense of myself. This was clearly from me being rejected by someone I thought of as ‘the one’.
It also happened to be that whatever stresses I was facing in my personal life, manifested into my work life and I was no longer in control of how I felt. I have been the most emotional version of myself this year and last time that happened was 2006 the year I was married.
The opening myself up part wasn’t anything to do with romantic relationships but those who came into my life, even briefly. Looking back I think I learnt lessons from each person who took advantage and I wasn’t aware at the time because I genuinely do go out of my way to help people. I don’t think I’ll ever stop wanting to help but I’m certainly less trusting of those who need me, even if it’s for good intentions – so yes thank you, fuckers who made me less trusting.
Summer came and went, it was an amazingly hot summer. I loved it.
I started to enjoy work again, I’d booked a trip to india with mum and dad for 2 and a half weeks in October, which I was looking forward too.
Things were starting to look up for the latter half of 2018.
The house I was living in had a fire whilst I was away on holiday so I had to move out. I’ve had to source alternative accommodation and live out of a tiny plastic box for 2 months. I’m hoping to move out end of January and put an end to that in the midst of all that the other shit I had to deal with because again, people were taking me for a ride and I couldn’t end the year on a high, until I dealt with it.
Work at least was going brilliantly. Which for the first time all year, didn’t mirror my personal life so yay at least one thing was okay!
It’s now 2 weeks before 2019 and I’m sitting thinking how others perceive my life to be so great. They have no idea how much I have cried, doubted myself, forgot who I was, was taken advantage off, often (in my head) felt I had no one supporting me and on top of that in a city where I was soon becoming lost in.
Luckily there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I REFUSE to let 2019 drag me down the way this year did.
It’s been tough. It’s been lonely. It’s been emotional. It’s also the year I won’t ever forget because despite it ALL there was an addition to my family – my niece, who for all the shit I’ve had to deal with, trumps it all.
So fuck you 2018, Mani Masi wins.
NB…On reflecion, I have achieved so much professionally and personally and it’s not that I’ve forgot about that element, it’s just been taken over by the other stuff. It’s not something I’m prepared to make a habit of … my happiness comes first.
Have a good day xo