Well, it’s coming up to that time of year again, Diwali, Halloween, Bonfire Night & Christmas. All social events that happen in the space of a few months! Also a time to feel even more single than you’ve ever been in your life.
These events are great, except when you’re in your mid-30s and all your closest friends are coupled up so you’re always the fifth wheel at these type of things.
It also sucks when all these events happen at once promoting socialising with your loved ones and being all coupled up topped off with the fact that my birthday is in January followed a few weeks later by valentines…so yeah eff you winter!
Kidding, I love my birthday and I love winter.
The post is about my first and only real relationship (yes only 1 as an adult who’s nearly 35, so sue me I’m from an Indian family!)
Let us rewind the clock slightly to this time 4 years ago. It was a few months after my sister got married, (those of you with a close relationship with your sister will get this) and she’d moved to London with her new husband and I was a bit lost. Feeling lonely for the first time ever (a different kind of lonely to that I felt when I was married) and after watching her be so happy at her wedding thought it doesn’t always have to be a miserable occasion maybe I should look at finding ‘the one’ too.
So as many women have done before me and will continue to do after me, I joined the world of online dating … read my other posts on those experiences! Lo and behold I did meet someone who seemed perfect for me.
We hit it off so well, it was like we’d known each other forever. As a fellow divorcee he got the pressure I felt and the guilt of letting our families down. We connected!!!
Well, from December to March at least.
It went downhill very quickly from there. He had told me from the off he was setting up his own business, I just didn’t realise that it meant I had to take a back seat. Once he was there it occupied all of his time, and I’m not going to lie I demand a lot of attention, especially seen as I’d had it for four months straight and I turned into a bit of a psycho.
It wasn’t easy for me I’d never been in love with anyone else before (he claimed he loved me too) so I got caught up in it not realising that I was settling for him because I was lonely and didn’t think anybody else would like or understand me the way he did, especially as I was getting older.
But neither of us really understood each other. We eventually started to bring out the worst in each other.
I have to add at this point when we started talking I’d just been made redundant and wasn’t particularly high on the self-esteem front. When I started my new job in the March of 2014 my self-esteem was starting to rebuild. This might also have contributed to our break up as I was no longer the willing party always wanting to make him happy. I wanted more for myself too.
It took for me to get a good job, be amazing at it and continue to study to realise that I was definitely settling due to the fear factor of being alone forever.
I learnt a lot from that relationship, it taught me that I should never lose who I am just to make someone else happy. That I need to take my time and not rush into something. That I shouldn’t be second best to anything or anyone.
The heartbreak and having to deal with it wasn’t easy. The first date I had post-breakup shook me up and I realised I needed more time. Turns out the ex-didn’t need as much time as me as he’d married someone else less than a year later. Seems easier for men to move on somehow!
Truth is I’ve never been happier or more confident than I am now (or will be again as moving to Birmingham has royally fucked up some of my confidence!). And even though the relationship broke down and I felt all hope lost, the old cliché ‘time heals all wounds’ is true. That and your friends plus listening to loads of Snow Patrol to give you a ‘reason to cry’ and let it all out, oddly watching romantic comedies helped too!
You grow from these experiences and move on, you become better for them and it puts you on the path to finding the one that will treat you the way you should be treated.
It also taught me to not lose who I am to make someone else happy, compromise yes, but don’t change your beliefs and morals, if you’re doing that they aren’t accepting you for who you are and ultimately a breakdown is inevitable.
NB…Sometimes what we think is love is really us trying to ignore the fact that we’re settling for the wrong person for fear of being alone. Listen to your gut, and if that doesn’t tell you anything your friends and family will.
Have a good day xo