It’s coming up to a year that I decided to move to Birmingham, I honestly have no idea where that time has gone, so much has happened.
Around the time I decided to move I met someone. He wasn’t immediately attractive to me but I gave him a shot, I’m open-minded (or stupid, you pick) and we got on, even more so when we met, so figured lets give it a go.
Deep down I knew I was always going to leave my parents a single woman, I was never one to ‘need’ to be rescued by a guy and him be the reason I moved. I guess it makes it easier, which looking back if I had met someone and married them to escape my hometown and explore new opportunities, maybe adjusting to life would be better…who knows.
Skip ahead to now, we broke up in February, I was crushed, heart-broken hadn’t realised how badly I’d fallen for him and allowed myself to. After being in an arranged marriage where I was raped, to having a boyfriend in 2014 that ended badly I wondered ‘why me?’ What have I done to deserve being hurt again?
There’s no point saying to someone there is nothing wrong with you because believe me it doesn’t make us feel any better.
The last couple of months I’ve been doing well and I ask those questions less frequently but I still get upset from time to time. Although, I can’t look at my gallery as we have photos together so I just avoid it. Work has kept me distracted and I’ve made friends who make me laugh and keep me company.
The issue is when I’m in my room about to sleep and then can’t. As much as I feel okay for a major part of the day, when I’m sat in my room crying feeling lost and confused about my life, I wonder if I’ll ever truly feel as settled and happy as I was before I met him and before I moved.
At a networking event earlier in the week, the speaker said that loneliness is the biggest killer. This hit home. So as with all my other blogs, I’m going to overshare my complete state of loneliness I’ve been feeling since January, especially when it seemed that the end and beginning of the year looked so hopeful.
When I was in that particular relationship I finally felt like I belonged to something, I felt like I mattered. There are times I question whether or not I matter to my family or friends and as someone who has had suicidal thoughts on and off since she was a teenager, it scares me that I don’t matter and if they’d be better off without me.
I’m not sure if anyone else relates, but feeling invisible and not important to anyone is soul destroying and you become so used to feeling this way it’s hard to break out of this cycle – and logically I know 100% of what I’m feeling is all in my own head, but it’s hard to shake off on low days. Today being one of them.
It bothers me I’ve cried more in the last few months than my whole life combined. My life bothers me in terms of do I matter to anyone, will I ever and how do I stop caring?
The day I stop caring I wonder if I’ll be happy.