Even as I sit writing this my chest feels tight but I felt this blog was important to share because lately, life has been ridiculously hard.
Another reason I wanted to share is yes, my life is pretty much an open book and I think this means people assume to know me, but actually they don’t know me as well as they think. The assumption that because I’m vocal about certain aspects of my life means they know about ALL aspects and what I’ve been through and that’s just not the case.
I shared a very personal story publicly on Twitter a few months ago, which I have never done. Writing a blog about it and then doing it so openly are two different experiences.
It was the first time I called out my rape, the fact I tried to kill myself when I was 24. It wasn’t easy to write and even less so to read.
A few months prior I think due to financial constraints from buying my own home the stress of work and the ‘anniversary’ were things that were causing me so much anxiety and stress it was the first time in my life I thought about seeking professional help.
What used to work before in terms of dealing with these feelings, no longer did, because my environment was different and it took me a while to understand that everything was connected, and not just to the wedding, but my life prior. My isolation, my loneliness feeling unworthy all stemmed from how I felt about myself growing up and at school, growing up with no friends, even to this day I think no one really likes me, it’s that deep rooted.
However, I came across group therapy from going to an event, and a bit like when I started uni, I thought I’d give it a go and go for the induction. It felt like a good fit.
I’ve had a number of sessions and have to keep a journal that cover elements that make you dig real deep and deal with issues that lay dormant.
The women in the group are incredible, inspiring and such wonderful souls where we share our inner most insecurities but also our triumphs. The feeling of not being judged, being able to openly say how I feel, is so uplifting even if it does cause a few tears.
It’s so easy to offload to strangers because they allow you to talk without imposing their views and having not known you before it’s somehow easier because you feel less judged. They probably know more of you than your nearest and dearest.
I mean how do you explain to those around you what it feels like to wonder if you would be missed if you died, the crippling loneliness and failure you feel you are and that the reason you aren’t with anybody and have certain things in life is because you’re not worthy?
The therapy has exposed me, my emotions are rawer than ever. I will have good days and bad but the fact that I’m now more aware has led me to make changes to my life to get me back onto the path I was on before the chest tightening and the complete weight of fear on my shoulders.
Some of the small steps I’ve taken are going to the gym, I realise I need routine so having a session on a Saturday morning gives me a reason to wake up. If I have no plans I stay in bed in a comatose way because a whole day ahead of me with hours to fill scares me. The gym sessions then force me to leave my house, run errands, buy food and cook for myself. It may seem so small but to me it’s a massive change and shift in my mood.
I’m not saying I’m completely better and that I don’t get depressed, I can feel a wave coming and know that if I left it consume me I will drown, which I did a month ago and I absolutely refuse to be that person. I hate her.
Therapy isn’t for everyone but for me it’s helping me on a journey of self-improvement, self-care and love for myself, because sometimes when you are by yourself you need to be reminded that you are enough.
NB…I would advise people never to dismiss therapy, don’t see it as a sign that you’re failing but a step you are taking to be the person that you are meant to, it’s nothing short of a helping hand, which at some point or another we all need.
Have a good day xo